Grief is a journey of heartbreak and sorrow and an intricate web of emotions. Yet, in the face of such profound pain, our grief illerate society often expects us to respond to a simple question: “How are you doing?”
This simple little question has almost become a cliche. Does anyone really listen to the answer, and more importantly, do they genuinely care about the response? This seemingly innocent inquiry can become an emotional minefield, leaving us unsure of how to answer.
The Weight of Grief
Grief is a such an intensely personal experience, and its weight can be crushing. When we lose someone we love, we navigate a maze of sorrow, anger, confusion, and despair. It’s as if the world expects us to put on a brave face and present an acceptable response, despite the internal storm raging within.
It is six years since I lost my husband and in the first few years I absolutely dreaded this question. I felt I had to “pretend” to be okay, when in reality I was feeling so shattered, lost, abandoned and alone in my pain. The question felt like an intrusion into my personal space and a real invasion of my privacy. I distinctly remember the best I could ever respond with – and it took a lot of effort – was a quiet “alright“. While in reality something inside me was screaming at them ” cant you see I’m not okay!!“
The Struggle to Respond
In the context of grief, what really is the true meaning of the “how are you doing” question? It seems that this litte phrase has become a polite gesture, or people state it as a matter of habbit. However, it rarely carries the weight of genuine inquiry into our well-being. Therefore, the question can feel shallow and disingenuous, further amplifying our sense of isolation in grief.
We may feel we are being confronted with a difficult choice.
Do we answer truthfully, baring our vulnerable emotions, or do we resort to the socially acceptable response, “I’m fine“? This internal conflict further exacerbates the already devastating impact of grief.
While the question “how are you doing?” may often feel hollow, it is crucial to acknowledge that some individuals genuinely care about our well-being. In the face of profound loss, we yearn for our grief to be acknowledged and validated. We dont want advice – we just want to be heard.
Sharing our pain with those who genuinely care can provide solace, reminding us that we are not alone in our grief. By allowing ourselves to be vulnerable and responding honestly, we create space for true empathy and support.
For me, it felt like sharing my anguish and pain was a burden I did not want to impose on others. There are few people who are necessaritly comfortable with this. Not everyone possesses the skills or emotional capacity to respond appropriately. Some may offer well-intentioned but empty platitudes, while others may avoid the topic altogether.
However, there are those who are capable of providing genuine support and compassion. Identifying these individuals and seeking solace in their presence can be a lifeline amidst the sea of sorrow.
Embracing Vulnerability
Responding truthfully to the question “How are you doing ?” requires courage. It means allowing ourselves to be vulnerable and trusting others with our pain. By opening up, we pave the way for deeper connections and understanding. It is crucial to remember that grief is not a burden to be hidden away but a natural response to loss. Embracing our vulnerability can lead to healing and growth, both individually and collectively.
Conclusion
Navigating the question “How are you doing ?” when you are grappling with grief is an emotionally charges and complex task. While the question may often lack genuine intent, it is essential to recognize that there are individuals who genuinely care about our wellbeing. Trust your gut feeling, you will likely sense when it is safe to share your true feelings and struggles, and when it may be best to just give the quick and shallow “I’m okay” reponse.
There are those who genuinely care and want to listen, so seek them out so you can feel safe sharing and unraveling your emotions. If you’re struggling with grief , please reach out to me here so we can connect.
Till next time
Much love ♡
Ally
