For many people around the globe, Christmas is a much-loved time of the year. The fun of exchanging gifts, decorating the Christmas tree, preparing special food to share with loved ones, and hanging up the Christmas stockings make for a wonderful time for many people.
But for many others, Christmas may not be the season to be merry. It may bring up painful memories of a loved one who has passed away for some people.
Sadly, Christmas is a stark reminder of the missing face or the empty chair at the Christmas table. It is not a time of joy when there is the heaviness of an aching heart and the longing to have our loved one there with us again as the silent thoughts remind us of the way Christmas used to be.
I vividly recall my first Christmas shortly after the loss of my dear husband. Every fiber of my being was screaming at me to just stay at home and avoid the family dinner.
How would I cope with the huge void inside me from the gaping hole in my heart?
How could other people dare to be happy when our much-loved family member was absent?
How could I hold it together and cope with going alone, feeling so conspicuous in his absence?
But I made myself go ….and it was an internal nightmare for me. I showed up and put in an appearance pretending to be okay, while feeling broken, devastated and very alone in my grief.
Being alone and anxious during your first Christmas without a loved one can be overwhelming. There might be expectations that you will decorate the Christmas tree, send holiday cards, go Christmas shopping, and attend Christmas dinner with family and friends. This is especially true because people want to see you adjusting and moving on.
But this might be quite challenging when you’re mourning. When in reality you wish things were the same as last year – when you were still with your loved one – you may not have the desire or energy to “fake” that you are looking forwards to Christmas.
On the other hand, some people choose to approach the holiday season in the same manner they always have, sticking to their regular routines and family customs. They feel more comfortable sticking to the routine. Allow yourself to enjoy yourself. It doesn’t imply that you’ve forgotten about them or that you no longer feel sorrow for them.
Everyone manages their feelings and reactions differently while they are mourning. If you’re struggling with how to approach this Christmas, consider these three suggestions:
# Give yourself permission;
Permission to put off doing the things you’re finding difficult, such as writing Christmas cards, putting up the tree, or attending Christmas parties, until you can handle social situations once again. Allow yourself time to feel the painful emotions and allow yourself the space to only do what you can cope with.
# Allow yourself to grieve;
The days before Christmas (and other significant dates) may make you feel more depressed. It hurts to see other families and couples together. It will be difficult to see the empty seat at the Christmas table.
It’s acceptable to cry and let people know that missing a special someone makes life difficult. Don’t try to hold your emotions within. Tell a close friend that you’re finding it difficult to appear happy and that you’d appreciate their presence or merely a listening ear for support at this time.
# Honour your loved one’s memory:
Make it a point to honour your loved one’s memory in a unique way. A special way to honour a loved one is to light a candle on Christmas Day, hang an ornament on the tree to represent them, or replace a gift you would have purchased with one for a child or family in need.
I like to journal, so I always write a letter to my loved one on birthdays and Christmas day every year. No one else gets to read them, but it is a very cathartic exercise that allows me to feel a connection to my loved one.
And if you know someone who is grieving this Christmas, give them a call, write them a special card, invite them over for a quiet get together, speak up and acknowledge their loss, and have the courage to mention the name of their loved one … and let them know that you understand that it may be a hard time for them because it’s Christmas… and there are memory triggers everywhere at this time of the year.
If you are grieving this Christmas, I feel your pain and am sending a big virtual hug of love and respect your way. As always I am here for you if you need some support – you can get in touch with me here, or book a time for us to chat here.
Take care my friend xo
