Earlier this week, a family member suffered a broken arm and has it in a plaster cast. Watching her protectively manage her damaged arm got me thinking about how we heal a broken arm compared to healing a broken heart?
In our day and age, we either fix or throw away. We all seem to want a quick fix, no waiting around, just fix or replace. It When someone becomes ill, the first thoughts are to fix, treat, cure, and heal. I am always grateful for people who are experts in their field and have the answers we need on how we fix or make better.
But what about our hearts?
How do we “fix” hearts when they are shattered and broken with loss? How do we heal a hurting heart? We can’t bandage it or wrap it in a cast to protect from further wounds. We cannot plaster a heart hoping the broken parts will fuse together again.
But the wounds of grief, hurt and loss can shatter a loving heart to such an extent that it feels broken beyond repair.
In fact, there is a syndrome called broken heart syndrome, which I experienced after losing my husband. It literally felt like his loss had cracked and shattered my heart into a million pieces. After hospitalisation and many tests, the cardiologist explained to me that I had broken heart syndrome, also known as Takotsubo cardiomyopathy. He told me I would heal in time, as it is a temporary heart condition caused by an intense emotional or physical experience. But there were no pills to “fix it” or wipe away the pain.
How differently we approach grief and loss to other physical ailments which are visible. Sadly, the support and options available are very different front the pain of an aching, shattered heart.
Bones mend, hearts heal?
From the perspective of family and friends, breaking a bone is different. It’s a concept that’s simple to comprehend. There are things we can do to help, like fixing a meal, doing the shopping or helping with the housework. It’s a visible injury and easy to see how best we can offer support.
On the other hand, it is much harder to know what to do or say when someone is grieving a tragic loss. Sadly, people often don’t know how to help or what to say. So they stay away to avoid feeling uncomfortable. Often the people we need the most disappear, when in reality we don’t expect them to “fix” anything. We just want to be heard, validated, and have our pain acknowledged.
Our sorrow shapes who we are
That’s the way it is with grief and I wish it was different. But in my experience grief wounds never fully heal, rather they become part of who we are. I accept the fact that even though I may heal, I’ll be different. I will never be the same as I was before because of my loss.
But the thing with grief is that even though your heart has been damaged and changed, it is possible to heal the broken parts. It’s possible to carry your pain and grief forward to a place where you rediscover pockets of joy.
So how to we start the healing process?
Reach out for support. Take good care of yourself by reaching out for support and not running from your grief. Be specific, reach out to family or friends and ask for what you need. It can be difficult for family and friends to know what you need so treacly helps them if you can tell them what you want or need.
Be honest with your feelings. Be intentional abut welcoming and experiencing your emotions. Don’t try to bypass them because they’re unpleasant or make you feel sad. We can still find moments of joy, gratitude, and laughter in our grief.
Sometimes we are so afraid to experience our grief emotions as we fear drowning in them. But we’re more like to drown in the feelings we suppress feelings we allow. So dont be afraid to ride the waves of grief because you will only drown in the feelings if you continue to shut them down. You can get more tips on healing after loss here.
Supporting someone who is grieving?
Keep Showing up if you’re attempting to help someone who is mourning or dealing with a shattered heart, keep appearing and being there for them. Don’t always wait for someone to ask; just be there. Grieving people are occasionally unsure of their needs. There are actions that individuals can take to console and support someone who is grieving a broken bone, or a broken heart. Keep appearing. During difficult times, we all need one another, and this is when empathy truly shines. especially when someone’s heart has been broken by sadness.
Summary
For any of you approaching this holiday season without someone you love, my sincere condolences to you. Whether it’s through death, breakup or relocation, my heart goes out to you. I’m sending you much love because I know the holidays can trigger so many memories.
Try to find a way to honour the person you lost and bring them into your heart and into your life. Eg. Listen and play their favourite song. Bring them into the moment in whatever way is right for you to keep their memory alive. And find the joy in the memories along with the tears and the loss.
Whatever your’e experiencing this holiday season, just know it’s a season and it will pass.
You can reach out to me here and we can have a confidential, free 15 minute chat about where you’re at and how I may be able to support. I’d love to help you ❤️
Till next time, Ally
