FAQ's About Grief and Loss
Grief is messy and unpredictable. It seems we can never really prepare for it even if when we know it’s inevitable. Grief can change from one moment to the next and for those who are grieving, it can be difficult to know what they need or want. There are several myths about grief, so here are some of the most fequently asked questions to help you understand grief and the grieving process.
You may experience grief when you go through any type of loss, whether it is a death, a job loss, suddenly became disabled, ending a relationship, or receiving a poor medical diagnosis.
When Elisabeth Kübler-Ross wrote On Death and Dying, her theory involved a typical response to grief and loss. Though most people experience some type of grief after a loss, there’s really no guarantee that grief will even occur. It’s highly possible that you’ll skip one of the stages and eventually revert back to it later in the grieving process. It’s also not unusual to completely miss a stage and come out on the other side without ever going through all five stages.
There is no set period when it comes to grief. Some people struggle a lot more than others and grieving the loss of a person very close to you can be mentally and emotionally taxing. Each person’s grief is highly individual and so is the timeframe.
This one is much easier said than done. If everybody were able to simply “get over it” with a snap of their fingers, don’t you think they would’ve done that by now instead of letting the sadness destroy them mentally, emotionally, and physically? The grieving process is important to go through at your own rate.
There should never be any standards for what’s considered “normal” when it comes to how you grieve. Just because you’re not crying or an emotional wreck while you’re out in public doesn’t mean the loss really didn’t impact you. Some people just grieve differently. Some would rather express themselves on their own time when they’re alone while others might let their grief out through other outlets like their passions and their hobbies.
The truth is it does not really end, but it does change over time. The process of grief and all the personal emotions and dynamics that go with it is an ever-changing process, it can change minute by minute and year by year. Various triggers, such as memories, or a scent or a photo can bring the intensity of grief back to the forefront at any time, even years after having suffered that loss.
On the contrary, avoiding experiencing your loss and the emotional pain prolongs your healing. Grief that is ignored and stuffed down can increase and become less manageable. Just like ignoring a toothache doesn’t make it better, and in fact it often makes it worse and a bigger repair job. Emotional pain is like physical pain, our body is alerting us to the fact that we need to address whatever is hurting. Healing the pain of loss happens when we acknowledge the pain and allow the natural grieving process to take its course.
It is common to think this way, however we can honour our loved one and our loss by creating a new normal in our life and learning to live again. Just like our loved ones wanted us to be happy when they were with us, it is more than likely they want us to have healing and wholeness now.
Stop comparing! Your grief is an individual as you are and it is not a competition. Everyone has their own way to grieve, and while it may be natural to compare our grief with others, grief is not measurable. In fact comparing can make us either feel frustrated with those who seem to be taking longer with their grieving, or feel inferior in some way because we seem to be behind others in our recovery. So comparing grief is not a good practice.
We lose a lot when we experience loss. It does not, however, irrevocably rob us of the capacity to discover and relish delight. If we put in the effort to grieve, our grief will ultimately mellow and our suffering will be lessened. Our hearts start to slowly mend as the pain is lessened.
Moments of happiness, love, laughter, and hope will be invited to seep into the places where anguish and despair formerly dug deep. Even on the same day, we are able to experience a variety of emotions, including love and loss, sadness and joy, and hope and despair. This is a characteristic of being human and is essential to making peace with our losses.